I know. You're scratching your chin thinking, "Kirsten, what in the world? How could this possibly tie in?" Let me assure you, it does. We can see the finish line for this leg of the race, folks. We are getting so dangerously close it seems like it may not be real. We are waiting on some of our family members to be processed as "frequent visitors," we really need to finish our autobiographies, submit our profile book, and (BAM!) home study. There's not a ton we can do by way of decoration or clothing prep because we are open to a range of placements as far as age and gender. However, I did decide on a woodland creature theme for the room. Seemed pretty neutral. (I want to have something in there.) Adorable animals, how hard could it be? Turns out, very. I could not find what I wanted anywhere. Really guys. We went to Target (two, actually), Stein Mart, Tuesday Morning, JCP, Walmart, Kohl's, buybuy BABY, At Home, and Bed Bath & Beyond looking for bedding. Nothing! In a world where we keep hearing that we shouldn't impress gender roles, I was astounded by the lack of neutral bedding (I don't buy into that philosophy I'm just pointing out a flaw in the system). It was during one of these fruitless excursions as I walked purposefully up and down the rows of bedding at At Home that I began to panic. This was no longer my bleeding heart or wild idea. This was not us asking our friends to pray about a decision. We are steps away from being licensed foster parents. This is real. I couldn't breathe and my eyes leaked—if we had been in a cartoon, I think my entire façade would have cracked. As my husband walked up and discovered my weeping shell staring at the heaps of useless bedding, he was bewildered. What...happened? **I need to interrupt this blog post to explain to you that this is not a common occurrence with me. I am not the lovey-dovey type. I don't make it a point to "share feelings." I don't cry when I watch This Is Us. The word "sweetie" makes my skin itch. It's just not who I am. So truly, my husband was on foreign soil. Let's resume...** He asked, I imploded. Right there in aisle 12. I can't do this. I can't even find a comforter. I mean, it's just woodland creatures! How is this so hard? Why did I think we could do this? It's not like we are stellar humans. How can we possibly be entrusted to raise children? I'm crazy. I'm certifiably nuts. And the panic mounted. I had seen a young couple looking for a bedspread earlier. They probably thought we were splitting up (or worse) right there among the nauseating floral patterns. And then, my dear husband, my partner in life, my groom. The one who has promised to love me in better and worse (and this was definitely a worse moment)—farted. That was his response! I cannot TELL you the amount of times he has borderline lectured me about communicating more, expressing my thoughts, "letting" him in. And here I was, as vulnerable as I knew how to be. And his antiphon was to pass gas. There was no imparting of wisdom, no empathy, no expression of mutual woe—just leftover shrimp and a touch of mac & cheese. I stared at him. I blinked back with what I imagine were large, reddish pools of disbelief. But, I did stop crying. I picked up my invisible baggage, declared their inventory inept, and marched off. We ordered bedding online as if nothing had happened. I don't know what I expected in that moment, I don't even know what I needed. Perhaps just a minute to have a complete and utter meltdown. A juncture in time to acknowledge that what we are doing is hard, terrifying, potentially wonderful, and altogether nerve-wracking. There are inevitably more "moments" to come, my mom friends assure me. They also consoled me letting me know that dissolving over the lack of bedspread options is totally normal in the realm of impending motherhood, no matter how it's arriving. So I'll take some solace in that. And I'll keep lavender spray in the bathroom because well, you know—husbands pass gas. xoxo
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AuthorWriting is really my outlet, so you'll mostly see my prose on here. But William might occasionally make a guest appearance. Archives
May 2021
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