Have you ever heard this quote, "“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security?” Well, I have never felt this to ring more true than in our journey to becoming foster parents. The vast amount of unknowns felt like they would swallow me whole several times. For a person that is a natural planner and makes lists of lists for the sheer satisfaction of being able to cross things off, the inability to plan was just shy of debilitating.
I had to reach into a part of myself that I didn't know was there. A section of my heart that God was molding and changing to fit what He needed from me.
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Much like many other monumental moments in my life, I had several dreams about how the actual moment would play out. In one scenario I was in a meeting and had to run out. In another the call came in the middle of the night and they were only a few exits down the interstate, were we ready? There were some that were so vivid that I woke with a pounding heart and had to check my phone log to be sure it was just a dream. But as is often the case, that's not really how it happened at all.
It's one of those moments that you play out in your mind a hundred times—the moment you find out you're expecting. How you'll react, the cutesy way you'll inform your spouse. For me, I had just finished a cycle class on New Year's Eve and the club had planned a little party for those of us willing to work out on a holiday. I vividly remember picking up the champagne toast and thinking, I can't drink this. I picked up a test at the drug store on the way home. There was no waiting for the best results in the morning or any of that. I had to know now. There they were. Two dark pink lines.
Normally, my cell phone drops to silent when it's time for bed. I know, what if there's an emergency?! There's not much my sleep-deprived brain would be able to do for them at 2 a.m. anyway, so best to deal with that in the morning. I can think of twice in my (ahem) 30+ years of life where I have missed an actual emergency as a result of having my phone off. In those cases, they found others around me to call—it worked out.
Following the pattern of my life as of late, this too has changed. |
AuthorWriting is really my outlet, so you'll mostly see my prose on here. But William might occasionally make a guest appearance. Archives
May 2021
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